Affairs of the heart, not of the body
The world’s image of cheating: whispering lies into your romantic partner’s ear about working late to sneak off to get tangled in the sheets with a coworker. What cheating can also be: confiding in someone the same way you do with your partner to the point you catch feelings for them.
Has your partner ever turned their phone away from you? Has your partner ever become distant towards you after starting a new job? While other factors can cause this, maybe they’re hiding your birthday gift from you or work stress has taken them hostage.
An emotional affair is a secretive non-sexual intimacy between you and someone else who isn’t your romantic partner. The difference between emotional cheating and friendships is that there is usually some sexual tension between the two and that romantic feelings start to bloom. They also might be reluctant to share what they’ve said to the other person to their partner, knowing somewhere what they are doing could be deemed wrong. If you are thinking about kissing them, even if you don’t act on it, it can still be considered cheating on an emotional level. And while you might not act on it, it can weaken the foundations of your relationship.
They might spend more time talking to them than your partner, avoiding mentioning the other person to their partner, the chemistry might be bouncing between the two of you. Even wishing that your partner was more like this other person will at least hurt your partner if they don’t consider it emotional cheating. It starts to shift from a friendship when your relationship with someone else starts to create a wall between you and your romantic partner. You might share things with your friends to maintain a healthy friendship, either to vent or to get advice on the situation. But the key difference here is that a friendship plays a supporting role – a side character in your narrative – and not a leading one – taking over the role of the love interest. You can flirt with someone and still not get to the physical part, and some people are flirtatious without realising it.
Dr Gayle Brewer, a senior psychology lecturer at the University of Liverpool has commented saying, “Men tend to question their partners: ‘Have you had sex with that person?’ Women tend to ask: ‘Do you love that person?’”
I think we’ve all been even a little jealous over friends and colleagues at least once, especially if you’ve had a negative experience in the past. But jealousy is never a good thing – it can be taken to the extreme where people try to control aspects of their partner’s life. No one deserves to be in a controlling or abusive relationship. However when you have your suspicions of your partner being emotionally attached to someone new is proven to be true, it doesn’t just become simple jealousy – especially if your partner tried to play down their connection with the other person with arguments, denial and even gaslighting.
Reasons for an emotional affair are the same for sexual ones: lack of attention from your partner, pressure from work, pressure at home, falling out of love with your partner, everyone has their own tailored reason. But a reason behind it doesn’t make it okay.
You and your partner could try and work things out and you just might. But keep in mind that the cheated on party might say they are over the events but still get triggered years later. And even after trying to mend things, you might not be able to. Being cheated on in any capacity can trigger mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Not to talk about trust issues that aren’t easily erased.
If you have any doubts in your relationship, it’s better to talk through your issues with your partner and come to a conclusion together, even if that means breaking up. A break up can hurt a hell of a lot less than having one’s trust betrayed.
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