Everyone's having sex...right? Asexuality in a hyper-sexual soceity
“They’re sexy right?”
“Uhh…yes?”
With Valentines approaching, there is a sudden focus on romance and sex. Companies are marketing their red dresses as ‘sexy’ rather than ‘Christmassy’ like a few months ago, with an emphasis on getting something to spice up the bedroom for the occasion. In a culture dedicated to instant attraction, where a single image is meant to provoke something in us. But sometimes that something can’t be found in the array of images on a distant Tinder profile, sometimes even when you’ve found something, it doesn’t automatically mean someone will have sex with you.
We live in a hyper-sexual world, where sex positivity thrives (as it should)...
but that doesn’t mean everyone wants to or has a sex life to talk about. Early romance literature brought the whole ‘love at first sight’ idea to the forefront of people’s minds and it continues to do so in rom-coms. In so many ‘coming of age’ young adult books and movies, a person’s virginity can make or break their reputation. Sex sells in the eyes of capitalism, filling adverts full of half-naked men and women – even typically non-sexual items such as food sometimes have sexually driven advertisements. What’s the odds that a film you’ve watched is rated higher than expected due to a sex scene or reference over something gory?
Really ‘love at first sight’ should be replaced with ‘lust at first sight’...
Something about their outward appearance creates a hunger in you to know more.
For some, sex is as much about trust and emotion as it is about the physicality so without the first two they often don’t feel comfortable getting physical. There’s few who don’t just strive to attach feelings to sexual attraction, but view it as a necessity. This means casual sex, one-night stands and sometimes a kiss with a stranger is off the table.
Asexuality means different things to different people. The asexuality spectrum is often described as a lack or low level of sexual desire/attraction towards others. This definition describes a lack of, suggesting something is missing. Nothing is missing. This phrasing can hold some accountability to why society, even within the LGBTQ+ community, views asexuality in a negative light. Many asexual people are hit with the “you just haven’t met the right person yet.”
It is important to realise that asexuality does not mean celibacy. It also doesn’t equal a low sex drive – a high or low libido is completely separate from sexual attraction Many people who identify as asexual still have sex and many people don’t. Asexuality is an umbrella term, there are many different types of asexuality such as demisexual – only finding sexual attraction in someone after forming an emotional connection with them. Demisexuality was coined in 2006 by a member of Asexual Visibility and Education Network (Aven), a website designed in 2001 to provide resources on everything about asexuality.
There is the argument that we don’t need to be putting labels on things but personally, finding this label helped me. I identify as demisexual and finding out that there are other people who feel the same as me, made me feel less of a weird one. As a teenager I tried so hard to fit in. When you’re considered to be not like everyone else, fitting in takes a huge amount of energy and it’s exhausting. But after finding out it wasn’t just me that felt this way, I didn’t feel left out anymore or that I had to conform to what my peers were doing.
Some key terms to take note of:
Asexual (“Ace”): Someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Being asexual does not equate to not having a sex drive or not enjoying sex.
Demisexual (“Demi”): Someone who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a close emotional bond with their partner.
Graysexual (“Gray Ace”): Someone who experiences sexual attraction limitedly.
Aromantic (“Aro”): Someone who does not experience romantic attraction.
At the end of the day, what you do or don’t do behind closed doors isn’t the world’s business – even if the first question to get asked at parties is always something sexual.
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