How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Do you feel like you’re being taken advantage of in the workplace because you struggle to say no? Do you find yourself repeating the same arguments with the same people? Do you feel responsible for your friend’s happiness – usually at the cost of your own? You might need to set some boundaries.  

Boundaries are often seen as a brick wall to keep others out when, in reality, they aren’t always like that. Sometimes they are drawn in pencil- they can be altered and changed anytime you deem necessary. But only by the person who set the boundaries! They are a way to protect yourself and others: physically, mentally and emotionally. They can cover anything from letting others freely go through your phone to having sex to how you use your finances.   

Setting boundaries won’t solve everything. They can’t fix a relationship (romantic or platonic) with the flick of your wrist, but they can make all the difference. Following someone else’s boundaries shows respect for them.   

Boundaries can raise your self-esteem as well as your overall mental health. For example, if you set a boundary with a friend, stating that you can’t deal with them complaining about another of your friends, you won’t be constantly worrying about it.  

Chances are, at some point, you’ve been in a relationship that felt like a roller coaster: when things were good, they were great; when things were bad, they were a disaster. Romantic partners come and go, but family isn’t something you can choose. This often means that when boundaries with family members are not respected, people either put up with their boundaries being crossed or end the relationship with that family member.   

Psychotherapist Jessica Fern believes that women often struggle to know how to set boundaries in relationships.

Before setting any boundaries, it is vital to understand the different types of boundaries that exist:  

  • Physical – personal space, your privacy and your body. Just because others like to greet each other with hugs, doesn’t mean you have to.  
  • Sexual – it’s all about consent! Communicating with your partner whether or not you are comfortable doing certain things or not means there is no room for a misunderstanding.  
  • Emotional – you don’t have to share your emotions about everything with even your partner or friends from the get-go.  
  • Intellectual – Just because someone else has a different belief from you doesn’t mean you should judge or try and change their beliefs. 
  • Financial – if you need to save money to sign for a house, it’s perfectly acceptable to say no to going out on the town.  

Whilst setting your own boundaries is essential, it is even more crucial to respect the boundaries that others have set for themselves. Whether they be a co-worker, a romantic partner, family, or anyone else you interact with. After all, how can you expect others to respect your boundaries if you trample all over theirs? Once you have started to establish boundaries, you’ll notice a boost in your self-esteem, confidence and emotional wellbeing.   

Here are some ways to get started when it comes to setting healthy boundaries:  

  • Self-reflection: it is essential to know exactly what you expect from others around you. Look back at times where you felt disrespected or when someone’s actions negatively affected you. It is hard to communicate your boundaries to others when you aren’t certain of what those are yourself.  
  • Start small. With anything new in your life, it’s better to introduce it slowly. Identify your key boundaries and which ones are essential for your wellbeing. Maybe you aren’t comfortable with your partner taking your phone randomly, for example. Make sure you communicate this to them and that they understand before giving someone a long list of boundaries. If someone wants to try new things with you, it is also beneficial to try one thing at a time before doing it all at once. 
  • Set consequences for people who break your boundaries. If someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, you could distance yourself from them to keep yourself safe. Then see if they are prepared to work on respecting your boundaries or if it’s time to let go. Make sure to communicate your boundaries clearly and regularly. But never give them an ultimatum. “It’s them or me” is a BIG no! 
  • Express your gratitude when others have respected your boundaries – even just by saying, “I appreciate you listening to me”. This works the other way as well. When listening to someone else’s boundaries, it is important to show a positive response. 
  • It is okay to say “no thank you” without having a reason or excuse in place. Many of us are reluctant to say no, but that is one of the first steps in setting boundaries between yourselves – especially in the workplace. Say if you work in retail and different co-workers have all asked you to do different tasks at once, it is okay to tell them that you’ve already got your hands full and ask them to get another co-worker to complete the other tasks.  

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